Trying to discover myself...

     Sounds foolish? Yes, I think the title I gave to this article seems to be childish and freaky as everyone of us undoubtedly think that we know ourselves. Some day, I don't remember exactly when, I came across an article which asked the readers to try to know themselves. Its only after we know ourselves better than others can we make an attempt to understand things around us....So try to know yourself....give it a thought...ask yourself, who you are? what are your likes and dislikes? what do you wanna achieve in life?
what are your goals? Are you chasing your dreams?
          It was when I gave it a thought and tried to answer these questions that I realized it was the toughest exam I'm facing.So I simply took a pen and paper and tried writing whatever I know about myself or what I think I know about myself. I tried my best to be honest to the extent to which I can. Hope those who know me would agree to what I wrote further because that's what I felt about myself while writing.I request you to try to know yourself,believe me its fun...you'll definitely enjoy it. I request you to help me know something about myself which you might have noticed while being with me or if you have any idea of what kind of a person I am and be frank guys I would love to have your honest thoughts.You can even mail it to me if you find it hard to express in public :)
      Here are the things which I wrote that day and its a cumulative process, so I'll keep updating the list as I get to know things about myself.
First we'll go through my weaknesses..........

1. I lack the quality of appreciation, yes, I can't appreciate things. Even if I liked something about others I am unable to express myself. Its not ego, its just that I don't give it importance or I think its not that big to be appreciated.
2. Too scared to fail, I want to achieve success in whatever I do. Don't wanna fail in any exam,nothing, no failure in life. I really get disheartened by failure and I think all of my successes (there aren't many :) still) are just a matter of luck. I've been lucky to achieve whatever I have and think I didn't do anything great to achieve it.
3. I'm really tensed about things like exams, meetings, interview etc. I don't like to meet people or in fact, new people, unless they are really important to me or there is some profit in it for me.... :)
4. I always think of what people think about me. While doing any task I keep thinking am I doing it in a way that others do? Am I doing it normally or is there something unusual about it? Like if I'm eating with a person I keep thinking is he noticing the way I'm eating?
5. I don't have self confidence. I don't think I can achieve what others of my age have done.I don't think I can do things in the way I am supposed to do them and this lack of self-confidence is the biggest hurdle I'm facing in working towards my goal.
6. I lack the quality of expressing myself or I like to express things only to my loved ones. I think there are very less people to whom I really matter or think there are only a few people who will be happy with my success.
7. With time I develop a kind of mindset for people. Like if once I have decided that person A is a fool I think its very difficult for me to change my ideas about him even if he does me a favour.
8. I am really scared of girls, its not that I had some bad experience in past with them but I really don't enjoy there company (except some of my friends),or with a kind of language that am habitual to use with my friends I am a bit uncomfortable to use it in presence of girls. 
9. I don't have ability to convince people to my point. If there is a discussion about something I cant convince people to agree with my views and I tend to giveup rather than convincing others even if I strongly believe in what I say.
10. I don't have strength to say SORRY to people even if I know its my mistake and even if I feel sorry for what I did. I might text them saying sorry but can't say sorry face to face. 
11. I am very shy of girls. Its not that I try to show attitude to them, but I don't know how to behave with them. I don't know what should I do when I meet a girl, say my classmate, so should I smile, or say `hello`, what after that? Due to these reasons I try avoiding them and people tend to think wrong about  me for which I'm helpless.

                Finally, I was asked to find out my strengths...its the most difficult task I ever did...so here are the things which I think are my strengths...

1. I don't fake things. I might pretend to agree with what others say but its only because of my inability to convince them.But internally I do believe and wanna stick to my thoughts.
2. I am friendly with people.Though I am an introvert I strongly believe in altruism and I'm always ready to help others.
3. I am honest at heart. I really don't wanna hurt anyone with what I say or with my actions towards people. Its never my objective to hurt people though I unknowingly hurt them sometimes.
4. I have some kind of faith in things. Though I lack confidence there are somethings which I strongly believe I can do and trust me 99% of things which I feel always happens with me. So for me its about feeling that I can do it rather than having confidence of doing things.
5. I hate lairs and people with overconfidence. I also dislike people who try to malign others and who are jealous of others though, even I am jealous of others sometimes but I'm trying my best to not to be so, and I know that one day I will surely overcome this.What I think is he tried hard for it, he deserved it and thus he got it, its as simple as that.
6. I respect elders and women.Though I might curse them with people around me but I really respect them at heart. I strongly believe that experience is the greatest treasure that elders have and think we should utilize as much of it as possible to our benefit.
7. I am a good follower and supporter. I never leave things only because others say that's wrong. I follow it if I feel its right or at least that its not wrong.
8. I try hard to chase my dreams. Once I've decided to do something or once I dream of something, I try my best to achieve it without bothering whether I would be able to achieve it or not.My attitude towards it is that you have dreamt  it so you ought to get it, just give it a try and keep trying till you achieve it (It took 21 years even for the likes of Sachin Tendulkar to win a world cup so keep trying). If you are honest with your efforts you will get it right someday.
9. I believe in hard-work. I think with hard-work we can achieve anything in life even if we think we don't deserve it........
10. I really wanna grow rich.Yes, I want to earn as much money as possible and as soon as possible.People around me think I am a miser but the fact is I want to do everything with my money rather than depending on my family.It really motivates me.....
11. I have my best friend, Trilok Sadhwani, with whom I discuss every problem and he gives me a solution. Sometimes it happens that I think there is no solution to this problem and discussing it with him gives me a simple and straight solution. I enjoy his company. He has a very positive attitude towards life. He makes me feel easy, makes me laugh. He has a very straight forward approach towards things. He lives life to fullest and I hope living with him one day even I'll learn it. :) (I said he makes me smile..hehe..)

                      These are the few things which I realized after trying hard for it. I'm trying to know myself better and will keep updating the list with time :) Believe me after doing this I have a feeling of some kind of achievement which is hard to express.Finally, I would like to thank you all for having patience and time of going through my article with poor english.I tried constructing my thoughts in the best possible way I can. I'm trying to improve my vocabulary so that I would be able to express myself better.Till then please keep ignoring my english and help me to improve it by correcting my mistakes and please let me know areas where I need improvement...:)  

Always Njoy!!!